The Hard Way


“Come on, Peter, come on!

“Sorry, sorry, I’m trying my best.  I j-just can’t.”

“For heavens sake!  God, what kind of man are you?  How can you leave me up in the air like this?”

“I can use the gadget if you like?  You know, that vibrating thing—”

“Don’t bother. I’ve gone off the boil anyway now.”

Of course I should have realised that one of the drawbacks of having a lover who is forty years older than you are is that he can’t always keep up with your demands.  I’m a thirty-year-old woman, with natural needs and desires and Sir Peter Fitzbairn-Scrope was the millionaire chairman of the large multi-national charity, where I’d got a job recently.  Sir Peter also had a wife, and many children and grandchildren, none of whom knew I existed.

(This story was told to me by a much inebriated and very depressed young woman called Laura, whom I ran into one evening at the Dog and Duck.)

Not long afterwards I spoke to some mates, and was offered some stuff called Priagra. It’s a drug that’s said to be ten time more powerful than Viagra, with none of the side effects, and it’s not yet available to the general public.  I persuaded Peter to try it and nothing happened.  He doubled the dose and got a little bit of lead in his pencil.  Then he tripled the dose and that certainly did the trick.

Apart from our now solved physical problem, the chemistry between us was great, for there was an immediate and earth-shattering attraction between us.  He adored my body.  I adored his money.  A match made in heaven!

But after six months of our hole-in-corner affair, I spoke to my mate Tracey about my difficult situation.

“You’ll learn the hard way, Laura,”  Tracey warned me as we began to drink our way through a gallon of vodka.  “You’ll spend years and years seeing him secretly, he’ll treat you like shit, and I’m telling you now, he’ll never leave his wife – they never do.  Then he’ll snuff it and you won’t get so much as a fart at the funeral.”

“But what can I do?”  I wailed.

“Give him an ultimatum.  Make him abandon his family and move in with you.  It’s hard and it’s risky. But it’s the only way if you don’t want to end up being a mug.”

I realised that Tracey was right.  So I told Peter that I was determined to have him all to myself or we’d have to end things for good: his choice.  In the end he agreed with me, indeed he was quite keen on leaving his wife and family. However there was a big snag.

“If I divorce her, she’ll take more than half of everything I’ve got. We’ll have to live pretty frugally.”

“I thought of that,”  I told him.  “I work in accounts, remember?  Think of all those huge donations we get.  Why don’t you divert a little bit of cash into a secret Swiss account of your own?  That way you’ll build up a lovely big nest egg that no one else knows about.”

“Hmmm, well…”

He agreed in the end.  And in a few weeks he’d got six million quid sorted away.  It was enough for him to retire and for us to live in luxury on a tropical island in the South Seas: Bagga Bagga to be exact, which is supposed to be an earthly paradise, where all you need to do all day is swim, play golf and tennis, drink, lie on the beach and relax in the wonderful hotels.

We fixed a date: the first of November.  Everything was arranged, but I told him that he had to be deadly serious, that he’d get no second chances.  He had to leave her on that night and come away with me.  He said he’d meet me at Gatwick airport at midnight, and we’d fly away to our new life together in Bagga Bagga.  And I was so excited, because I believed him.

But I was also worried.  It all seemed somehow too good to be true. I wondered if I really was doing the right thing in pushing him to make such a drastic decision.  But I knew that if I showed the slightest bit of weakness, he’d never leave his comfortable life.  He had to be prepared to leave his family and everything else behind, and fly away with me on the first of November, come what may.  If he didn’t turn up at the airport, I told him, then I’d assume that he’d changed his mind, and I’d go away on my own and leave him for ever.

And guess what?

That’s exactly what happened.

I was waiting two  hours.  Calls to his mobile always went to voicemail, his landline the same, and texts went unanswered.  And I had no choice but to face it. He must have changed his mind, and didn’t even have the courage to tell me to my face.

So I went to Bagga Bagga on my own, deciding that since he’d already booked the hotel there I might as well take advantage of it, and spend the five thousand quid he’d given me as a present a week ago.

Once I got there I was so furious at his betrayal that I decided to pay him back in a very special way.  I had already made a note of every transaction and every payment he made into the illegal Swiss account, of every penny that he’d embezzled from the charity.  Anonymously, I sent all the facts to the newsdesks of all the major newspapers, certain that they’d pass on the information and he’d probably go to jail.  I was determined to get my own back on the bastard for treating me like that!   If he was going to ruin my life, I was going to ruin his!

In the end I stayed in Bagga Bagga for six months.  Ralph Biggun, the owner of the hotel, was a handsome bachelor of forty, and he took a shine to me, and I didn’t have to pay a bill all the time I was there, and he wined and dined me very night, and I had a wonderful time in the sun.  I never looked at a newspaper or watched world news on the TV, I just cut loose from everything and chilled out.

But all good things have to come to an end.  Ralph Biggun met someone else and I ran out of money. So I decided to come back to London and try and find a job and a place to live.

I ran into Jane, a girl I used to know from the charity where we’d worked together.  Not having read a newspaper or watched TV for months, I had no idea what had happened to Peter, but Jane lost no time in telling me.

“It was terrible,” she said, conspiratorially.  “At about the same time that you suddenly went away on holiday, they found him dead in his car in his garage at home.  He had suitcases packed, and there was a note to his wife, telling her he was leaving her.  The garage door was open, his hand was on the ignition key when he had the heart attack.  It was terrible for his wife, doubly humiliating for her when they found the note telling her he was leaving her for a younger woman.  A few days later there were reports in the newspaper about him fiddling money from our charity, some kind of secret bank account.”  She frowned miserably.  “Sir Peter posthumously lost his knighthood. And the charity was in terrible trouble for allowing it to happen, there was a huge enquiry. It eventually closed down and we all lost our jobs.”

“He died of a heart attack?”  I asked, stunned.  “He really had  been planning to leave his wife?”

“Yes.  And do you know what? Apparently the doctors discovered from the post mortem that the old fool was taking massively high doses of some new fangled impotence tablet called Priagra that’s so dangerous it hasn’t been authorised for use. They reckon that’s what killed him.  What a pillock, eh?  He had a lovely wife and family, all that money, then he nicks cash he doesn’t even need, and kills himself with Priagra. All in order to satisfy some money-grabbing young slut. What a bitch – I’d give anything to get my hands on her. By the way, I remember now, you used to work in accounts, didn’t you?  The police are going to want to talk to you.”


The Snowplate Nose


Lily bashed the top of her husband’s coffin with her fist as she passed, muttering viciously:

“You bastard, may you rot in hell for ever!”

(This story was told to me by Betty, an old friend who’s had a lot of trouble in her life. )

Lily paused for a moment, backing off a bit and putting her hands on the timber lid and leaning forwards, as if she was contemplating wrenching off the top of the coffin and dragging his body out of it so she could attack it. Then a younger woman, presumably her daughter, came up beside her and led her away.

I wholeheartedly agreed with Lily’s sentiments as I looked upon the boxed-up earthly remains of Harold Sebastian Snowplate. Harold had been my husband too, but apparently I was Mrs Snowplate in name only. A few days ago I’d discovered that my marriage was bigamous, and therefore invalid.

I’d discussed it with Lily last week, after I’d heard he’d been killed and she had made contact with me out of the blue, when we’d both been approached by Harold’s very confused solicitor. I tried to explain to our teenage children that the man they’d known as Dad, wasn’t really their dad at all, but a kind of ridiculous impostor, even though they shared his rotten genes. When we got married, Harold had told me that he worked as an accountant for a huge multinational company, and that he could spend Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in London with me, his family, but on Thursday to Sunday he had to work in their Huddersfield office, where he claimed to live a lonely monastic life in a company flat.  The sacrifice was worth it, he explained, for it was only a temporary situation, and soon he could live full time with us when there was a full-time vacancy in the London office. A situation that went on for fifteen years.

Of course Lily had been told exactly the same story in reverse.

Now all those Christmases that he’d had to ‘Spend abroad’ at the mythical Bekker Corporation’s Lichtenstein office, made sense. As did the sudden cancellation of plans, the eternal spectre of the evil bosses of the Bekker Corporation making his life a misery by hijacking his time as they did. “It’s not for long,” he had always said, altering the proposed job change scenario once again. “In a year or two I can retire early and then we’ll have enough money to live out our dreams. . .”

Lily had two children, as I had. One of hers, and coincidentally one of mine too, had the unmistakeable ‘Snowplate Nose’ something that Harold had shown me in his family photos: a large bump along the middle, not large enough to look ugly or peculiar, but nevertheless distinctive to those who know about it. Various Snowplates throughout the centuries had apparently had this peculiarity, some of their noses being far more afflicted than others.  Indeed Algernon Snowplate had a whopper of a bump, like a large pea was skulking there, concealed just below the skin.

The Reverend Derek Harbottle took the service. He had apparently been at school with Harold and seemed to know him better than either Lily, me, or indeed any of his four children did.

The other mystery of course was, who had Harold really worked for?

“He told me he was an accountant, working for the Bekker Corporation,” I had explained to Lily when we had met for the first time a week ago.

“He told me he was a stock controller for the Flecker Corporation,” she had told me. “There always seemed to be plenty of money, we have nice house, car, no problem with the bills.”

“Same with us,” I said to her. “So what job could he possibly have done to earn enough to keep two families in relative style?”

The answer was in Reverend Harbottle’s eulogy – the only eulogy of the service, for perhaps not surprisingly none of his relatives had anything good to say about him. In fact it turned out to be anything but a eulogy.

“When Harold Snowplate fell from the roof of the Holiday Inn hotel in Newport Pagnell, the police were satisfied that it was an accident,” Revd Derek began. “But for a man who had been involved in smuggling drugs for a number of years and who also was up to his neck in criminal racketeering, it’s not surprising that he must have had a number of enemies. We’ll probably never know who did it.”

A drug dealer.

“It has to be said that Harold was not without sin. I’d even go so far as to say that he was a wicked man who had no redeeming features whatsoever. Rumour has it that he dealt in drugs at the highest levels, he operated fraudulent online operations that preyed on the elderly, he handled stolen goods and was involved in racketeering and under-age prostitution. At one time I believe he even acted as a contract killer for several organisations, and was known as a ‘gun for hire’ in the Newport Pagnell and Watford areas.

“What’s more, Harold was a profligate womaniser. He had plenty of charm, which he used to get what he wanted, and this surface charm concealed his true character to many people who knew him. Indeed from some of the people who thought they knew him best. He had at least two families that neither knew about, and he also had a number of illegitimate children born to various other women – a good many of whom I see are here.”

As I looked around the congregation, sure enough I could pick out several people there, who had the noticeable ‘Snowplate nose’. Young men and women, all of whom, were looking distinctly uncomfortable.

“No, we certainly cannot say that Harold was a good man, or that he was a good husband or father. In fact to be perfectly honest, he was a wicked evil, lying, treacherous scumbag, who used his charm to trick people. I would sum him up as. . .”

There was a long pause.

“I’d describe Harold as a complete and utter shit, whose entire life was lived as a lie.”

There was a shocked pause at these words.

“But God forgives our sins, and that is something we must all bear in mind before any of us can pass judgement. All of us are sinners, it’s just that Harold’s sins were perhaps more noticeable than most of ours. The prodigal son springs to mind, the difference being that the prodigal son must have had a vestige of decency.”

Afterwards, at the wake, the Reverend Derek opened up to me a bit. He was becoming slightly inebriated on the free-flowing wine, and he clearly felt sorry for me. “I was at school with Harold, though I hadn’t kept in touch with him,” he explained. “About fifteen years ago I ran into him at a dinner, and I could clearly see he was a lost soul in need of spiritual support. In fact my wife Alice met him there too, the two of them seemed to get on very well, and when he told her he was very keen to learn about Christianity, with a view to changing his ways, she travelled down to see him, in fact she spent several days with him, trying to explain that it’s never too late for a sinner to change your ways and accept God into your life.” He fell silent for a few moments, seemingly lost in thought.

“And did he?” I asked.


“Change his ways?”

“Goodness no, he never intended to.”

Just then his teenage daughter Abigail appeared and smiled at us. And then I saw it:

She had the Snowplate nose. That unmistakeable bump in the middle.

Reverend Harbottle saw me looking at her. His eyes narrowed slightly as he went on. “A couple of weeks ago, Abigail had one of those DNA tests done, where they find out your ethnicity, and they can also pair you up with cousins you never knew you had,” he explained to me. “It turned out that she had a first cousin she knew nothing about. The only person that this cousin was also related to—”

“—Was Harold?” I completed for him.

“How did you guess?” he went on distractedly. “When I found out I could hardly control my anger. The times and dates matched up, you see, plus the unlikely coincidence that the tablets I was taking to boost my low sperm-count had finally done their job. Or so I thought. . .” He paused for a few moments, staring at the floor. “So then I went up to the hotel in Newport Pagnell, where I knew he was staying and . . .”


“God forgives our sins,” he said after a long time. “At least I hope he does. If he doesn’t I’m stuffed.”

The Sandwich


“I pressed the key down. It stayed down and wouldn’t come up. Neither would any of the others. Oh God.

“You see, he’d done it again!

“Superglue squirted into my computer keyboard was one of Rob’s favourite ‘jokes’. Afterwards, whichever of us he’d played his ‘joke’ on, would have to go out of the office to the computer store nearby and buy a new keyboard at our own expense. He always had a good laugh about it, and told each new victim that in future we should ‘stay glued to our work’.”

Sally is an old friend, and she was talking to me one evening, reminiscing about how she hated people who play practical jokes. Here in her own words is the troubling incident from her past:

Rob was the kind of boss who loved playing practical jokes. Selling advertising space for a newspaper was largely a female-oriented trade, and the other girls and I resented the behaviour of the alpha male who was our boss, but what could we do? We all needed the job, and some of us were very good at it, in spite of Rob’s malevolent influence.

There was always some joke going on. For instance once he sneakily managed to pick up Jane’s keys, that she’d left on her desk inadvertently. He kept them all morning, laughing uproariously at her increasing blind panic as she phoned her husband, checked her handbag a hundred times, and all of us were searching the office and the stairwell outside in case she’d dropped them. As she was on the point of phoning a locksmith to change the locks to her flat, a smiling Rob emerged from his office, dangling the keys in front of him, saying “Lost something Jane? You really should be more careful.”

Rob was a peculiar character in other ways too. He was a health fanatic, often arriving in a track suit after his morning run, a keen foodie who never ate anything without checking the label on the container carefully, saying things like “Your body is a temple. You shouldn’t abuse it.”

Kathy, a friendly jokey blonde girl, joined us six months ago, and right from the start we got on well, and soon she became my best friend there. We’d natter away over coffee and lunch breaks, we even lived in the same part of town so often met on the underground on the way in to work and going home.

“Do you think he just hates women?” Kathy asked me one day, when Alison had just been released from the toilet in hysterics, where Rob had locked her cubicle from the outside, so that she’d had to shout to be rescued. She’d gone home, too upset to go on working, with Rob smirking and shaking his head commenting that “Some people have no sense of humour.”

“Oh no, he likes women all right,” I told her. “In fact although he’s careful not to get entangled with anyone at work, in case he’s done for sexual harassment, he’s had lots of girlfriends. When he broke up with the last one he plastered pictures of her naked all over the internet. Do they call it revenge porn?”

“It’s so sad,” Kathy went on. “All of us get on pretty well. If that bastard wasn’t here we’d all work much faster and better and there’d be no tension or fear.”

“He thinks treating us like rubbish keeps us on our toes.” I shivered with disgust. “In another age I suppose he’d have had slaves and tortured them for his own amusement. The sad thing is, the management probably know how he behaves, but the department gets results, so they don’t care.”

All of us knew that Kathy and her boyfriend Charlie had been trying for a baby ever since they’d been together, but so far it just hadn’t happened. When she was eight weeks pregnant, Kathy couldn’t resist sharing her news, swearing me to secrecy, until at least the three months period was past. Then, sadly, she miscarried a couple of weeks later.

I’ll never forget her face when she came back to work. It had been a huge effort for her to face people again, knowing they all knew what had happened. Of course none of us said anything, she just arrived to friendly smiles, quick hugs and pats on the arm, and lots of unasked for cups of coffee. On her desk later during the morning she found a large parcel wrapped up in brown paper. She unwrapped it, and there was ‘The encyclopaedia of motherhood’, a huge colourful coffee-table book, illustrated with pictures of loving mothers with their babies. She burst into tears and ran out of the office and stayed away for a couple more days.

We all knew who had been responsible for the ‘joke’.

A few weeks later At the Christmas party, Rob got blind drunk, as he usually does. The funny thing was, Kathy was being quite friendly with him, when ordinarily she avoids him like the plague, as we all do. I thought it was weird, the way the pair of them would huddle in corners, with her plying with more and more drink. At the end of the evening, he ended up in his own office, merrily drunk and barely able to speak. Everyone else apart from him, Kathy and me had gone home, and I was waiting for her.

But instead of leaving with me, Kathy came out from Rob’s office and was messing about with one of the rolls that had been left over on the drinks table.

“Rob didn’t have lunch today,” she told me. “He said he’s very hungry.”

“What do you care?” I asked her, angry now. “And why are you so matey with Rob all of a sudden?”

“Oh you know, we all have to work together.” She shrugged and disappeared into Rob’s office with the sandwich she’d made him. As we left I glimpsed him through the gap in the door eating it hungrily.

On the Tube train we didn’t chat as usual, because I felt uncomfortable, as if something was wrong. Really I was simmering with anger with Kathy because she had betrayed our pact of hatred for our boss. In the rare silence between us, when Kathy opened her handbag I noticed her fiddling with a long white plastic tube.

“What’s that?” I asked her in surprise.

“This?” she said innocently. “Oh it’s Rob’s emerade.”


“It’s an ‘adrenaline pen’. For use in an emergency. He must have dropped it and I picked it up.” She leaned closer. “He always carries it with him. You take the top off and there’s a needle you can stick in your thigh and inject adrenaline if you’re going into anaphylactic shock.”

“Anaphylactic shock?”

“Rob told me that he’s extremely allergic to peanuts. That’s why he’s always so fussy about his food, checking the labels all the time. He told me that If he eats peanuts he goes into advanced anaphylactic shock, and if he doesn’t get this antidote within seconds his lips and tongue will swell up, so that he can’t breathe. Within a minute or so, no oxygen to the heart muscle also means his blood pressure will fall dangerously and major organs fail.” She looked at me, a slow smile spreading across her face. “Apparently It’s a really nasty way to die.”

“Don’t you think you should have given it back to him?” I asked. “After all it’s Friday night, he’s alone in the office. Anything might happen.”

“Yes, he is alone, isn’t he?” she said, still grinning. “He’s all alone there. Everyone’s gone home.”

When we got off the train I saw Kathy take out the white emerade pen, the knife she’d used to make the sandwich, and a half empty jar labelled PEANUT BUTTER. She put them all into a rubbish bin and rubbed her hands together.

“Oh, he did like that sandwich, didn’t he?” Kathy began to chuckle to herself. “He really did enjoy it.”



Breaking Point


“For God’s sake! I’ve got two children and a husband!”

So saying, Vera pulled away from our embrace, glaring at me angrily as she stepped backwards. “You can’t just—”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” I apologised, then walked away quickly, doing my best to hide my misery and humiliation after the disastrous failed kiss.

My day at Faradays Advertising Ltd, the grand old 1930s building in the East End of London, didn’t get much better. In the late afternoon I had a fierce row with my boss, Tony. Tony was being unreasonable, and, perhaps because I was so upset about ruining my relationship with Vera, after months of being her friend, that I spoke out of turn and things escalated. I told him that he could stuff his job. He told me to fuck off. It was weird because normally we got on pretty well, and truth to tell, I actually liked him a lot.

So I’d lost my dreamed-of chances of happiness with Vera and I’d lost my job.

And now, after brooding alone at my desk, it was 6 o’clock on a Friday night, and I’d decided to dash off home and try to forget about my day from hell. When the lift door was just about to shut, I stuck my foot in the gap and forced it open again, sliding inside quickly before the doors closed. It didn’t move at first, then travelled down abruptly, like a stone. When I turned round I saw that Vera was beside me, and Tony was in the corner. The only other occupant in the lift was Jonathan Franklyn, a tall skinny, silent kind of guy who was usually so laid back, he was practically comatose, indeed his nickname was ‘Cool Jon’. Tonight he looked anything but cool. He was strange, wild-eyed and alert, hyped up about something. I wondered if he’d been taking drugs.

Talk about embarrassing.

Naturally we avoided looking at each other. And then the lights went out. The lift ground to a halt between the third and second floors.

My shame was complete.

“It’s no good, everyone’s gone home,” said Tony, a few moments later. He was watching Jonathan Franklyn frantically pressing the emergency help buttons by the light of his mobile phone. “Besides, if the power’s out, the emergency communication won’t be working either. And my mobile’s got no signal – must be because these old lifts are made of specially thick steel. So we’re stuck here for now.”

“But I have to go,” panicked Jonathan, totally out of character, almost shouting. “No! No!” he yelled frantically. “I have to get out of here!

“Sorry, Old Fruit, but you can’t. There’s nothing we can do but wait,” Tony said resignedly as he slid down the wall and sat on the floor, producing a bottle of whisky from a bulging carrier bag by his side. “Lifts are only machines, and machines are a lot like people. Sometimes they just reach a breaking point and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Just like I reached breaking point yelling at poor old Chris today. Anyone want to join me in a drink to pass the time?”

“A drink?” Jonathan snapped. “Do you realise what’s happening to me? Do you have any idea?” And then I could see that tears were forming in his eyes as his voice cracked. “How the fuck can you talk about a drink? Breaking point? I’ve fucking reached breaking point, I tell you. . .”

“Jonathan, calm down,” Vera told him, moving close beside him and putting a hand on his arm.  Vera is kind and sensitive. That’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with her.

He gave way to tears as he backed into the corner and sank to the ground.

“I’m supposed to be on platform five of Paddington Station in half an hour,” he told us all. “I’ve arranged to meet this girl, Sophie. She’s ill. You see, she has these mental issues, serious problems with depression. She has no self confidence. She won’t believe I want to be with her, she thinks that I’m like all the other guys she’s known that have let her down. So she set me this test. She told me that if I was prepared to go to Edinburgh with her, tonight, drop everything and just go, make a real commitment, then she’d believe I cared for her. If I don’t turn up, I dread to think what will happen. You see she’s tried suicide before now. That’s how we met, we were in the same mental illness support group. I saved her last time, by going round to her flat and talking all night. I’m afraid that when she gets to the station and finds I’m not there, and that she can’t even reach my mobile, she’ll think I’ve changed my mind. And then she might…”

Vera nodded sympathetically, the strange surreal mobile phone light swirling up from under her chin, highlighting her lovely sympathetic eyes.

“It’ll be all right,” she tried to reassure him. “I know it seems hopeless now, but you’ve got to believe in her. Come on now Jonathan, don’t give up! Close your eyes now, and think about her. Believe in her. Believe that she’s not going to do anything stupid, that you believe in her being strong and trusting in you. In my experience people are often much stronger than we think they are. ”

“Not Sophie. Sophie’s is just like a little straw in the wind.” Jonathan put his head in his hands and wept quietly. “I was going to look after her.”

Tony, who’d been watching the scene was holding up the bottle of whisky towards Vera.

“Oh stuff it, why not?” said Vera, as she sat down on the floor beside him. She rooted around in her handbag, producing some paper cups. “Luckily I bought these for my daughter’s birthday party, so we won’t have to pass round the bottle. “Are you having any, Chris?”

“You bet.”

So we all sat on the floor, and Vera and I both accepted a paper cup generously full of whisky and began sipping, illuminated by the light of our phones, as if we were taking part in some ghoulish Halloween party. The three of us kept passing the bottle round and Tony kept adding more and more.

At first we drank silently, nursing our own thoughts. But after an hour, and half of the second bottle of whisky had been drunk, the other two were more relaxed, and I suppose I was too.

“’S Funny,” Tony declared. “I’ve got something to say to you all because I’m pleasantly drunk.” He paused, smiling stupidly. “I’m an alcoholic.”

“I did wonder why you were carrying two bottles of whisky around with you,” Vera commented dryly.

“Seriously. My life is one great shitstorm, so I drink,” he went on. “And Chris.” He looked across at me. “I really was a bastard to you today, and I’m sincerely sorry. I shouldn’t have gone on at you like that. I apologise (apppolloigizze) unreservedly, Old Fruit. Truth is, I like you. I like working with you. Please (Pleeeze) don’t leave the firm.”

I looked at him and smiled myself, feeling the effects of the alcohol, and the loss of my inhibitions. “Actually I wanted to apologise to you, Tony. You were right to bollock me today. I screwed up that job.” I looked across at Vera, beyond caution or tact. “I made a fool of myself with Vera, and I felt like shit. I still do . But I shouldn’t have shouted back at you—”

“Forget it, mate,” he muttered.

Vera stared ahead. Her face was anything but beautiful, but it was full of personality, and for me, a girl’s lovely personality beats pure aesthetic beauty every time.

“You didn’t make a fool of yourself, Chris. I was just shocked when you tried to kiss me. I wanted you to know my situation.” She shook her head slowly. “And since we’re telling each other home truths, you might as well have mine.” She spoke slowly and deliberately, the way inebriated people sometimes do. “Everyone thinks I’m happy and well adjusted, the woman who everyone goes to for help and sympathy and a shoulder to cry on. That I have this wonderful life, that I’m some kind of Mother Teresa. Well I’m not.” She paused. “The fact is, it’s all a mask I hide behind. I like coming here to work, I enjoy being nice to everyone and making the best of things because my home life is so awful. My husband and I want to get divorced, but neither of us wants to give up the house. We hate each other, can’t even bear to be in the same room. Now the children are getting older it’s not so easy to keep up the pretence. But today, Chris, after you almost kissed me, I realised I can’t go on like this. I’ve got to face facts. At least he won’t fight me for custody of the children. He’s as disinterested in them as he is in me.”

“He must be mad,” I told her. “If I had a wife like you. . .”

“What?” she asked.

“I’d never look at anyone else.” I felt myself blushing, feeling I’d said too much. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No,” she replied, looking straight at me. “You should have done. You’re being straight with me. Just like I had to make it clear to you today that I’m a mother, and I’ll never be separated from my children. And that if you want a relationship with me, the children are part of the package. Most guys would run a mile. I wanted to save you the embarrassment of telling me you didn’t want to get involved with me and my baggage.”

“I’m not most guys,” I told her. “And children aren’t baggage. They may not like me. If you get involved with me it might be a disaster. But I’m prepared to take the risk if you are.”

“Oh, I’m a risk taker.” She looked across and me and nodded seriously. “I always have been.”

“Well you two, you may as well know my little secret,” Tony said miserably into the silence , taking a large slug of whisky, and pouring himself another. “They say If I go on drinking like this I’ll be dead within a year. And don’t talk to me about marriage. It was drinking that broke up mine, and I never see my wife or kids anymore. They despise me. I really want to give up the booze, but I can’t. I tried Alcoholics Anonymous, but I just couldn’t get on with them. Not my thing.”

I took a breath. “You know you said you always liked me, Tony?” I asked him.

He nodded.

“In those AA groups, don’t they allocate you some kind of special friend, someone you can ring when you’re going to fall off the wagon and they come round and talk to you, help you over the crisis?”

“Yeah, if you make it that far.” He stared at me.

“Well, I’ll do it for you,” I finished lamely. “If you want to give it up, you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll help you all I can. Call me up, anytime, day or night and I’ll be there.”

“Why would you do that for me?”

“Because I like you. And I don’t want you to die.”

“Do you really mean it?”

“Yes,” I told him. “I really mean it.”

Another hour went by. Vera was sitting beside poor Jonathon, her hand on his arm, and I sat on his other side. He was just staring ahead miserably.  He hadn’t drunk any of Tony’s whisky.

“I know Sophie is going to kill herself,” he muttered to us both. “I just know it.”

“Jonathan,” Vera told him gently. “You think she’s weak and she’s given up on life. But in my experience people are often much stronger than you think they are. You have to believe in her.”

Just then the lights came on, and the loudspeaker crackled into life.

“We’ll have you all out of there in ten minutes,” said the voice, and absurdly I noticed that the man had an Aberdeen accent.

The real surprise was when the lift door opened on floor number two, and Jonathan fell into the arms of an emaciated young woman whose eyes were almost as troubled as his had been.

“When you didn’t turn up, I was going to give up on everything,” Sophie told him. “But something changed my mind. I decided I’d had enough of always giving in and being weak. I was furious, I decided to bloody have it out with you, to tell you what I thought of you, if you were going to abandon me. I’d reached my breaking point. I was determined I wasn’t going to give you up without a fight. I went to your flat and you weren’t there. When I got here, I banged on the door for ages until the security man came out, and I demanded they check the building, told them I’d start screaming if they didn’t.”

Vera took my hand as we walked to freedom. Tony gripped my shoulder with a manly squeeze and I thought I saw a tear in his eye.

“These old lifts,” said the small moustachioed Scotsman in overalls who was shaking his head and entering the lift, staring upwards at its roof. “Ach, these old cables, sometimes they just reach breaking point…”



Road Closed



My grandmother died while I was sitting in my car, waiting in a traffic jam.

The main road leading from my home to the hospital had been fine earlier in the day, but, unknown to me, when I drove out, halfway to hospital I found the road blocked off, and that familiar and hated red sign saying ‘road closed’ .  Frantically I followed the yellow detour signs.  But carefully turning along all the narrow traffic-filled side roads they told me to, after twenty minutes I found they had directed me round in a circle and I was back where I started.  The satnav wasn’t in the car, and struggling to find another route on the map meant it took me an hour longer to get to the hospital, during which my grandmother died, with no one with her, and asking for me.

On the way home I’d avoided the area of course, cursing the fates and nursing an admittedly unreasonable loathing for men with hard hats and high-viz jackets.

A few days later the road was open, and, since it was clear that neither the pavement or the road had been touched, I realised that there had obviously been no earthly reason for the road closure.  When I phoned the council to enquire, no one gave me any answers. No one even cared.

Then it happened again, when I was tired out and on my way home from work, at midnight.  This time it was a much  bigger camp of hard-hatted twats, with more huge lorries, more concrete mixers, more arc lights splashing across the night sky.  I tried following the detour directions again, but once more they had been erected by a prankster or an idiot.  They led me miles out of town ultimately to a complete dead end—a field at the edge of town, in the middle of which was  a large lake.  In front me I had seen an ambulance, blue lights flashing, screeching to a stop and roaring along the detour road.  When they saw that the road just petered out, they wasted no time in doing a U-turn and screeching off.  Such was their urgency, I knew that their ridiculous delay probably meant that the patient they were rushing to attend, or to transport to hospital, might die as a result.

Anger made me restive.  Once I got back to the site of the road works, instead of parking and looking at the map, acting reasonably, something made me want to actually do something, to take some kind of action against the gang of hard-hatted shits who were making my life a misery, and causing distress and danger to so many others too.

So I parked in a side road and walked closer, climbing over the barrier to the land of bollards and shovels and concrete mixers and huge vehicles dwarfing the sky, everything lit up in bright arc lights.  Men strode around here and there.  Some were lighting fags.  Others were talking on their phones.  Yet others were sipping from cups of tea.  And no one, not a single person was doing any work at all.

Cheers and laughter rang out – I saw a few of the men gathered around someone’s phone, judging by the roars I gathered that they were watching some sports match on the tiny screen.

No one noticed me or challenged my right to be there.  And soon I saw a high viz jacket and yellow hard hat hanging on a peg, apparently belonging to no one.  On the spur of the moment I slipped them on.  Now I was able to stride about invisibly.  No one looked at me, or noticed who I was, they were too busy arsing about amusing themselves.

Further back there was a large wooden hut, a temporary structure.  I saw someone open the door and go inside, so I followed.

In one corner a television was blaring out a football match, watched avidly by some of them.  In another a snooker game was in full progress, and at a table several men were leaning back, swigging from bottles of beer.  I even caught a glimpse of a couple of men partiality unclothed, with women who were equally undressed, getting very closely acquainted.

Something made me so angry I couldn’t think straight.

I went back outside, trying to contain my fury.  I noticed a battery drill loaded with a small bit, abandoned on the ground and picked it up, sauntering nonchalantly towards where the large lorries were parked.

The petrol tank on a lorry is quite easy to find.  I located the tank of four of the lorries, and quickly drilled a hole in the bottom of each of them.  Gasoline was soon flooding out onto the tarmac, and, so far, no one had noticed.

Then I climbed up into one of the biggest lorries, struggling to remember my days as a long-distance lorry driver.  The keys were in the ignition and I started it up.  Without pausing, I slammed it into gear and drove fast, accelerating madly, steering towards the large wooden hut.

The walls and roof crashed down beneath my tons of metal, and soon I heard screams from beneath me as I continued driving across the disparate parts of the collapsed building and bodies.  I stopped and jumped down into the carnage, running back to where the lorries had been parked.

People were running around shouting, but that didn’t stop me pausing to strike a match and throw it into the river of fuel.

There was a popping sound as the lake ignited, then the fire took hold.   Men were running everywhere.  Some were in flames, others had been blown off their feet as one of the lorries exploded.

As I ran away, leaping over the barrier and witnessing another of the lorries bursting into flames that leapt to the sky, with inert bodies all around,  someone ran towards me.

“What the fuck’s happened?”  he asked.

“I think the road’s closed,”  I told him calmly.  “Don’t bother following the detour signs.”

A Sympathetic Ear


“So my wife smashed a bottle of wine over my head and told me she hated me and that she’d been having an affair with the milkman for two years,” said the man in the pub I’d only just met. “Since then I lost my job and my flat and my car. I really don’t know which way to turn. But luckily I have these voices in my head, and I’m hoping they’ll give me some ideas of what to do…”

Clarence Milport had been talking to me for an hour, and I looked at my watch surreptitiously, wondering when I could tactfully get away.

I think I must have ‘mug’ tattooed on my forehead or something, because no matter where I go, whether it’s work, the shops or to have a quiet drink, individuals with mental problems seem to be drawn to me, and insist on telling me all about their troubled lives.

It wouldn’t matter so much if everything in my own life was rosy, but it’s not.  Just a week ago my wife left me, telling me I was hopeless in bed, I had a face like a lugubrious bloodhound and I had bored her stiff for all our ten years of married life. In one way it was a relief, because believe me, living with a woman who’s a vegan and an avowed pacifist who likes to talk for hours about her confused sexuality and thinks that she’s allergic to plaster and bricks is not easy.  But as far as I know she’s very happy in the commune for vegan lesbians she’s joined in Sussex.

I have an office job I like, but the managing director often inveigles me into having late night drinking sessions with him where he tells me of his attempts at suicide and how I was ‘the only person he felt he could talk to’. The accountant often chats to me in the afternoons too, telling me that he had never wanted to be an accountant, he’d always had the desire to be a ballet dancer and his mother wouldn’t let him, and his humdrum life was driving him mad, especially as he’s convinced that everyone thinks he’s boring because he’s an accountant.

A while ago I was minding my own business, relaxing at a local beauty spot that’s on top of a cliff, and a man nearby was about to jump to his death. But before doing so, he came across to chat to me and talked for three hours. Like a fool I gave him my phone number and he calls me regularly when he’s upset. He calls me his ‘lifeline’.

I pondered on my lunch today. I had popped into Pret a Manger for a sandwich and soon a woman had joined me at the table, telling me that she had been abducted by aliens, who had made her pregnant, and her husband wouldn’t believe her story. Luckily a nervous looking man with a twitchy left eye soon appeared and led her away.

In the end I went to see my GP, whose a friendly soul whom I’ve always liked.

“Your trouble is, people can sense you’re sympathetic and kind. You’re just too nice,” he told me. “I know because I’m a bit like you, but I’ve had to learn to toughen up – if I spent hours talking to my patients I’d never get any work done. But at university I was plagued by all kinds of waifs and strays who no one else liked, coming and telling me their tales of misery and trouble. A mate of mine helped me a lot. In fact he set himself up as a life coach, and I think he’ll be able to help you. He’s a really nice guy. He’ll give you lots of tips and techniques for tactfully getting away from mad people.”

So I went to see ‘life coach’ Peter, who had a pleasant friendly face and a welcoming smile.  He was indeed, as my doctor had told me, a really nice bloke, and I liked him. He listened to my problems and nodded seriously.

“I understand completely,” he said. “Our mutual friend Derek (my GP) was just like you at university. In one way you and Derek are very lucky people, because people instinctively like you, they feel you’re approachable and mentally ill people tend to be drawn to folk like that. I suggest that to stop this happening, it’s all a question of deflecting the unwanted attention you’re getting. You don’t have to stop being a nice sympathetic person, you just have to learn to reject people in a tactful way.”

He went on talking like that and I felt quite encouraged.

He looked at his watch after half an hour. “Do you know what, John?” he said. “You are very easy to talk to, I have so enjoyed meeting you. Matter of fact, my next patient hasn’t turned up, so unless you’re in a rush, there’s no need to end our session. Are you okay to stay for another hour?” He stretched out, frowning to himself, as he passed a hand across his forehead. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to explain a bit about myself. You see, I never really wanted to get into this line of work. I think when I was younger I should have gone to Canada and been a lumberjack. That’s what I really wanted to do – to assert my masculinity. My mother never actually understood me, I think she’d rather I’d have been a girl, and I do have these feminine qualities that I worry about, but maybe everyone does? My father never understood me either, he was an authoritarian figure who believed in ghosts and used to thrash me…”

Coronation Street



“Here you are, son, this here’s an assault rifle. Reckon you could start World War Three with this!”

As he handed over the weapon and the boxes of ammunition, the man gave that I’ve just made a joke smile that people often do.

“But I don’t want to start World War Three,” I explained reasonably. “Besides, to start a war, surely I would need to be in charge of an army or the government or something, wouldn’t I?”

The criminal man whom I’d been sent to see didn’t answer me, just continued counting the banknotes I’d handed him to pay for the gun, all the money I’ve been saving in my post office account, that I had drawn out that morning.

Very often, people make jokes, but I never understand why they’re funny, I only know that they think they’re funny because they always do a little laugh. And I think that’s rude, don’t you? You shouldn’t laugh at your own jokes.

I’m twenty years old and they tell me I have something called ‘learning difficulties’, which isn’t, like, an illness, it’s something to do with teachers and writing and sums. I left the special school a while ago and now I live with my mum and work for Morrisons moving the trollies around, and sometimes they let me stack the shelves if someone’s with me. Everyone is nice to me, at least one of the men used to shout at me for being slow, but Mrs Russell told him off and he hasn’t done it again since.

Mostly I just go to work, but I play with my friends too, and I also watch a lot of telly with my mum and one of our favourite programmes in all the world is Coronation Street!

I love Corrie!

That’s why I got the gun, but this is a secret, don’t tell anyone. You see Mum and me won a competition to go to Coronation Street! Mum told me not to get too excited, and she says what she’s been saying to me for ages.

You see, I get worked up over what happens in the Corrie stories, I really really hate some of the people in it, and I really really like the others, especially the pretty girls. But Mum always says to me: “Brian, you mustn’t get so worked up. Because they’re not really people. You mustn’t hate them, or fall in love with the girls, or think they can be your friends, because they’re not real men and ladies and boys and girls. They’re pretend people.”

This worried me, because they looked and acted as if they were men and ladies. But Mum always goes on and on about it, she says people will laugh at me if I go on as if the characters in Corrie are real.

“No Brian, it’s a story. They aren’t real people, like our neighbours, or your friends, or the other boys and girls and men and ladies at Morrisons.”

“So they’re pretend people? Like in a story book?”

“Yes, just like in a story book. Someone invented all the men and ladies and children who are on the screen. They’re not really alive.”

“Not alive?”

“No. They’re pretend people. And that’s why you mustn’t get too involved in the stories, and start shouting at the ones you don’t like.”

“Because they’re made up? They’re in a story?”

“Exactly, Brian, because they’re made up, pretend people. They don’t exist.”

They don’t exist.


What did she mean?

So I worked it out all on my own. They had to be, like, those pretend characters in a computer game. My friend John showed me his computer game and it was well cool. You had to shoot guys before they shot you, and really look into corners when you go into a room, for someone popping up unexpectedly and shooting you. Not shooting you, of course, but shooting your character in the game. See? They don’t exist and nor do you.

I always wear my raincoat, even if it isn’t raining. Sometimes men and ladies stare at me, but I don’t care. And it was really useful wearing the raincoat to go to Coronation Street on the day, because I could hide the rifle. I’d already practised firing it in the woods behind our house when Mum was out, I did it just like the criminal man told me, and it was easy. I shot off lots of branches.

When we arrived at Coronation Street it was just like on the telly. Same cobbled streets, but there were lots of funny men I’d never seen before at home on telly, frowny men mostly, all walking around talking into microphones, wearing headphones and shouting a lot, looking worried. The tall bald man who met us said something about ‘hersals’, and ‘hectors’, but I didn’t understand what he was talking about really. He said Mum and I could look around at the ‘hersals’ as long as we didn’t interrupt, so while he was talking, I wandered off on my own.

I went into a room, and I got a shock! There was the horrible builder man, the man with the twisty mouth who’s keeping a nice man prisoner in a cellar and bashing him up all the time. I like the man in the cellar, he looks like my friend Richard, and I really want him to be free, so he can be with his girlfriend, I like her too. So I hate the builder man.

So I got out my rifle, took aim and shot him.

It was funny. I thought he’d just disappear, like on John’s computer game, but he seemed to fall forwards in a funny way. Oh well.

Next I found the Rover’s Return pub, that’s the pub in Corrie where they all meet up, spend lots of money on beer and complain about being poor. In there was the nasty man who looks like Tintin and works in the hairdressers, the one who’s always shouting at people, with a permanent sour snidey jeer on his face. I’ve always hated him, so I shot him too. He looked quite surprised as he fell over, and then I shot his mum, the one who looks like a gerbil. She’s a silly lady, I never liked her.

Then I found the newsagent’s shop and shot the nasty little man with glasses who’s always moaning, and the big smirky black-haired lady.

I thought of trying to find the vicar man who kisses other men, so I could shoot him too, but suddenly someone grabbed me from behind, and pulled my arms back so I dropped the rifle. I was pushed to the ground and lots of men were holding me there and everywhere ladies were screaming and men were shouting and yelling something about police. I thought, maybe they’re going to let me appear in one of those police programmes? That would be well cool.

You see, secretly, I thought the men and ladies who make up the stories might be pleased I’d made things easier for them. They must hate it when’s there’s so many nasty characters, but to kill them they’ve got to come up with all kinds of twisty difficult stories about car crashes and fights. So I thought, I could save them all that trouble, just get rid of the nastiest of the people for them.

That way they could concentrate on writing more stories about the good characters, like the man in the anorak who runs the café whose poor wife died, and the nice old lady in the newsagent, or the Indianny man in the corner shop who speaks in a squeaky voice and smiles a lot. He’s lovely and smiley and he makes me laugh.

I thought the story writers might thank me and even ask me to a party or something.

Instead of that everyone seemed upset, and even though my arm was hurting, the men wouldn’t let me stand up.

I just didn’t understand. Why was everyone telling me off and cross with me?

Where was my mum?

Why was everyone so horrible to me? Why were they hurting my arm!

I started to cry.

“No good crying, boy!” A man yelled in my ear.  “Do you realise what you’ve done? All the people you’ve killed!”

“Oh no, you don’t understand,” I choked back through my tears, sobbing and trying to make him understand. “I can’t have killed them because they’re not real people. My mum told me. They’re not real people, they’re story people…”



Make or Break


“When I married you I had no idea you were such a wet bastard,” Tracey fumed. “I thought you had some get up and go.”

“So did I. I think it got up and went.”

Another day, another row. While my wife Tracey droned on and on I tried to think about something else, mainly the Vauxhall I’d bought whose engine turned out to be shot, and the indecisive customer who was bringing back the Nissan because she found it didn’t suit her after all. Not to mention the mounting bills I couldn’t pay.

“Honestly Simon, I encouraged you to buy the car sales business because I thought you had it in you to be a shit-hot businessman. And what are you? A useless plonker who falls for any hard luck story… Would you rather have your hands covered in grease and oil for the rest of your life, at some gaffer’s beck and call?”

Later, I tried to forget our morning row as my pal Ron dropped me off at the address in the north of town, where the big old Jaguar was for sale. It was a few years old, but Jags really hold their price, and I was confident that if I could get it for a steal then I could possibly, at last, make some kind of profit on the deal, something which I hadn’t managed during the year since I’d been buying and selling cars for a living.

“Come in, son,” said the old man as I entered the neat and tidy flat. He was about eighty years old, short and chubby with sparse white hair and a very friendly smile and a welcoming handshake. For the next ten minutes Donald and I chatted away about the car he was selling, and what it was like for him getting used to living on his own after his wife had died recently. He told me about his daughter Jackie who was getting divorced, “Because,” he told me, “the feller was just no good for her. She said to me, ‘Dad I can’t go on, it’s make or break time and I reckon it has to be break.’ I said you go for it, girl…”

“My wife Helen used to love a run out in the car,” he told me as we went downstairs to the garage, where he lifted the door, to reveal a beautiful looking sleek dark green Jaguar. He put his hand affectionately on the bonnet. “I really don’t want to sell it. There are so many happy memories of the times we spent together in this car, going out on trips, and in the past months going to and from the hospital. Funny thing, but when she was ill, I felt closer to her than ever before.” His voice quavered as if he was on the point of breaking down. “But I’ve got to be realistic. Money’s pretty tight nowadays, living on the pension, and I won’t lie to you,” he went on, leading me round to the driver’s door opening it and inserting the key and switching on the ignition. He revved it up.

“See, son, it’s okay now, it’ll probably be fine for your test drive. But you run it for more than a few miles this warning light comes on, and then it switches into ‘limp home mode’ or whatever they call it, so you crawl back at 20 miles an hour to get home. You’re a motor dealer, so you understand these things, but it seems to me as if there’s something drastically wrong with the engine, and I just can’t afford to get it sorted. That’s why, all things considered, I have to get rid of it.”

“Yes, I understand,” I told him, professionally assessing the vehicle. It was in lovely condition, not a mark on the bodywork, and, so far, the engine wasn’t missing a beat. But I knew from experience that engine parts for Jags cost a bomb, so buying it was a calculated risk.

After the test drive, during which it seemed fine to me, I parked in front of the garage, and got out to talk to him. “How much are you wanting for it, then, Donald?” I asked him.

“Well, I thought, maybe…” He mentioned a figure that was way below the market price for a such a fine car. Frankly, even allowing for costly repairs, I couldn’t lose on the deal, so I quickly handed over the readies, phoned my mate to tell him I wouldn’t need a lift back to the shop, and left the poor old man scratching his head and looking bemused as I drove his beloved car away.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Donald, thinking how unfair it was that he’d had to lose the car he obviously loved because he couldn’t afford to keep it. I thought about Donald’s obviously happy marriage to Helen, and how death had separated them. And how this car was one of the last links to all the memories they’d shared.

Sure enough after a few miles the dashboard warning light came on and the ‘limp home mode’ kicked in as he’d warned, so I took it straight to the big Jaguar dealer in town, and they put their computer analysis machine on it, and to my delight it turned out that it was just one small thirty-quid engine relay that they had in stock, that I fitted in minutes on the spot. I drove it round town for half an hour to check on it, and lo and behold, the problem was solved! What a result!

I thought of how pleased Tracey was going to be that for once I’d bought a car for a fraction of what it was worth, and I was going to be able to sell it for a massive profit. For once she’d be proud of me.

Then, as I was working on an old Ford pickup that afternoon, I got to thinking about Donald, and the look on his face as he’d watched me driving away his pride and joy.

It was 6 o’clock in the evening and I was tired out. The afternoon had been depressing, more bills I couldn’t pay, and yet another customer returning a car, demanding a full refund, that I gave him. I’ve always been a good mechanic, had left a very good job to start my own car sales-and-repairs set-up, and I often missed my old pals at the big works on the bypass, the freedom from worry, the straightforward day, the matey tea breaks. Most of all I missed the satisfaction of doing a job I enjoyed, even if the money wasn’t great.

Tracey rang, and I told her about my good fortune that morning, and how much money I’d be able to make by simply putting the Jag on the forecourt and waiting for the offers. She was delighted, suggesting we go into town for a meal tonight to celebrate. I told her I’d bring the Jag to show her what a beautiful car I’d bought.

But as I was driving the lovely old car home that night, some impulse made me turn left instead of right, back up to the estate I’d been to this morning.

Old Donald looked surprised to see me, and welcomed me inside, offering me a cup of tea, which I gladly accepted. I liked Donald, I really enjoyed his company.

“I hope there isn’t a problem with the car,” he asked anxiously.

“Actually, Donald, there is,” I told him as I sat down on his comfortable sofa. “Look mate, fixing that engine problem cost me just thirty quid. So here’s the deal. Either I can give you more money – a fair price. Or, since I know you never really wanted to sell it, you can take it back. Frankly, it’s a lovely car, the engine’s top dollar now, and you were telling me about all those happy memories you didn’t want to lose. If you can’t afford to keep it on the road long term, I understand, but why make the decision right now? I bet your Helen would want you to keep it.”

“Take it back? Give me more money?” He looked flabbergasted. “Blimey, son, you’re not like any car salesman I’ve ever met before!”

“I’m a crap car salesmen, if you want the truth.” I took one of the buns from the plate on the table. “I’m thinking of packing it in.”

Donald joined in my laughter. Just then the door opened and a very attractive woman came in.

“Dad, did you sell the car then?” she asked him.

“No, Jane. This kind young man who was going to buy it, tells me there’s nothing wrong with the engine after all. So I’ve decided to hang on to it.”

Just then my phone went. I saw that it was Tracey. I ignored it.

“Oh, Dad, that’s really good news,” Jane said to me as she sat down beside me on the sofa, impulsively putting her hand on mine and turning to face me. “I told Dad not to be in a rush to sell it. He and Mum loved that car.”

Donald had gone out of the room to fetch something. Jane was looking into my eyes, and I got that strange feeling, as if the stranger you’ve just met is a really old friend. There was something mesmerising about her face, and I found it hard to look away.

“Not many of you lot around,” she said to me with a grin.


“Honest car salesmen.”

“There’ll be one less soon. I’m selling the business.”

“Since when?”

“Since ten minutes ago. From now on I’m a mechanic.”

“Must be good to repair things. Pity you can’t repair marriages.” She frowned, still not breaking eye contact. “With a relationship you can’t just fiddle and tinker with something to put things right. It’s all or nothing. Make or break.”

“A job you hate, a marriage you hate, sometimes it’s better to just face the fact you made a mistake.”

“Exactly,” Jackie agreed enthusiastically. “Sometimes it’s better to just break it off like I did.”

My phone started ringing again, the name Tracey appearing again on the screen.

I switched off the phone.

“Why don’t you take Jackie out for a run in the Jag?” Donald suggested as he returned, picking up the car keys I’d put on the table and giving them back to me. “By the time you get back I’ll have cooked some spaghetti bolognese. I’ve got just enough for the three of us.”




The Death Mask


“You can just get out! GO ON! FUCK OFF!”

It was Sunday evening, and my wife Jackie had just discovered that I’d been having an affair with Andrea McGowan, an up-and-coming sculptor who was making quite a name for herself in artistic circles. We’d both known Andrea for a while, since we’d met her at a dinner party last year.

I suppose I should have known I couldn’t live the double life for ever. But I had hoped I could keep it up for just a little bit longer, because it really was such fun.

I knew that right now I had to keep things on track, stop my life spiralling out of control. For goodness’ sake, we have three children, a house with a mortgage.

“Please, Jackie, I’m sorry,” I begged.

“I bet Andrea was sorry when she found out what a disappointment you are in bed! That’s one comfort anyway—after all these years, I won’t have to put up with your clumsy fumblings anymore.”

“Please, listen! Andrea means nothing to me. Honestly, Jackie. If you want to know the truth, she’s been chasing after me ever since we met last year. And we’ve only slept together once—that was the one time it happened.”

“You expect me to believe that?” she snarled.

“Yes! You don’t know Andrea. She’s clingy, she’s halfway round the bend, and, if you want the truth, I think she’s pig ugly. I felt sorry for her, honestly Jackie, great hulking Amazon that she is. In fact I thought she was a dyke when I first met her. She’s not a patch on you.”

“Evidently she is. Otherwise why abandon me for her?”

I didn’t abandon you!” I held her by the wrists, staring into her eyes. “She’s a stupid, ugly, scheming, manipulative cow, and I wish I’d never set eyes on her.”

“You’re saying you don’t even fancy her? When you had an affair?”

“It wasn’t an affair! It was a mistake, an embarrassing mistake. It was simply a very brief few moments that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. Once it had happened I was sick of the sight of her.”

She finally looked me in the eyes.

“In fact,” I went on, trying to press home my advantage, “as I said, I only started seeing her because I felt sorry for her. She talked non-stop, and she kept phoning me, chasing after me. It was pathetic. Andrea’s pathetic. She’s mentally ill, did you know that? And she’s a physical wreck too. You know she had that heart attack not long ago? She’s got a phobia about it, she’s always on about being scared of having another one and dying, especially as she keeps forgetting to take her blood-pressure pills. But she’s mentally ill too. Schizophrenia or something, she really scares me. I swear this is the truth, Jackie: right after we’d had sex for the first and only time, I looked at her and I felt physically sick. I honestly found her repulsive. She made my flesh crawl. I don’t know why I ever looked at her, let alone. . .”

There was a long silence. I hoped against hope that I’d said enough to finally placate her.

“Well, Mike, I’ve got a lot to think about,” Jackie said at last. “It’s too early to tell you how I’ll feel in future, but right now I can’t stand the bloody sight of you. So go. Go now. Before I pick up the carving knife and stab you through the heart. Drive off, and don’t bother to drive carefully. Crash into a wall and kill yourself for all I care.”

“Sure, sure, I’ll give you all the space you need Jackie. But on our children’s lives I swear—”

“—Don’t you dare bring the children into this!” she snapped, rounding on me and glaring at me as if I was something disgusting that was attached to her shoe. “Just do as I say for God’s sake and GET OUT NOW!”

Quit while you’re ahead is my motto, so I hopped it quick and got into the car, driving away without looking back.

I had no plans. Just a vague idea of heading to a motel, holing up there for a few nights, and spending my time going out to a pub and getting hammered. I guessed that time was the best friend I had, and if I let Jackie cool down for a couple of days, I could maybe go back, grovel for a while, and maybe, just maybe, things would be all right in the end.

Just as I’d moved to the middle lane to pass a truck I felt a sudden sharp stabbing pain in the back of my neck. My heart froze as I looked in the rear-view mirror.

Andrea was there, on the back seat. Leaning forwards and holding the handle of what appeared to be a very long sharp dagger, whose blade was sticking into the back of my neck.

“So I’m a psychiatric, stupid, pig ugly cow, who you find utterly physically repulsive, who makes your flesh crawl, whom you wish you’d never met? Who you thought was a dyke when you first met me?” She shouted above the roar of the traffic. “Strange thing, Mike. That wasn’t what you said when we were together all those times. I seem to remember you telling me your wife was sexually frigid and manipulative, evil and sly, and that she hated you and she had never understood you. That your marriage was a sham.”

I swallowed, but the act of swallowing constricted my throat, and it felt as if that action made the dagger stab more deeply. I was petrified.

“So, Mike, you’re now going to drive to my studio and we’re going to have a long talk,” Andrea told me. “My goodness, you do bleed a lot, don’t you? There’s blood running right down my hand onto the seat.”

What choice did I have?

So while I was panicking, s**t scared and frantically trying to remember if there were likely to be any major blood vessels at the back of the neck, and wondering whether I was bleeding to death, I took the next turn-off, to Waldegrove, the village where Andrea has her studio. She’s quite a successful sculptor, and she specialises in making lifelike models of people’s heads and scale models of horses and dogs, all in dark heavy bronze. It’s physically demanding work, and she’s a big strong woman—stronger than I am, as it happens.

“You see, Mike, I didn’t believe you were ever going to leave Jackie, as you told me you were. So I phoned her and told her what was going on between us, then, when you went home today, I slipped in through the back door of your house, and hid in the hall cupboard while you were talking in the kitchen. I reckoned she’d make you leave, so all I had to do was use those spare car keys you gave me to get in, ducked down in the back seat and wait for you to join me.”

“Those things I said,” I began, my voice trembling. “I didn’t mean—”

“—Save your breath, Mike. You didn’t mean them any more than you meant that your wife was a useless drone who stifled the life out of you, and you needed a sexy wild woman like me to help you to breathe.  You don’t really mean anything you say, do you Mike? You’re just a treacherous, useless, turd. A disgusting vile arse-faced little worm.”

“I’m sorry.” I was crying now, weeping unashamedly, wondering if this was how I was going to die. “I’ll do anything, just please let me go. I’ll do anything I can.  Anything you say.”

“Trouble is, I don’t want you to do anything, Mike. You see, in my naiveté I believed all the things you said, about how you loved me, and believed in me as an artist, how you’d back me and finance an exhibition of my work after you left Jackie and we were living together. How you’d miss your children, but you’d always put me first, even before your children.

Pain had begun to kick in where she’d stabbed me. I wondered if I could take a chance and stop the car and leap out.

“If you brake the car sharply, this razor-sharp knife will go deep into your neck, probably piercing right through into your gullet,” she said calmly, as if reading my mind. “I’m not wearing a seatbelt see? Won’t be my fault, I’ll not be able to stop myself tumbling forwards.”

“Oh God, Andrea, I’m sorry. Let me go! I’m begging you!”

“Shut up and drive.”

We parked in the small yard behind her studio, on its own patch of land at the end of a row of terrace houses. To my horror, I could see there was no one else around, no one I could call out to.

However, I realised something suddenly. I had one chance.

Just one.

As I got out of the car, she would have to take the knife away from my neck, and that was going to be my bid for freedom.

“Get out of the car, slowly,” she told me.

I opened the door, and, as I heard her open the door behind, I made the break.

Ducked down, rolled out into the yard.

But as I landed on my back, she was already on top of me.

There was no pain at all as she stabbed the knife into my abdomen. It hardly even bled.

“Oh my God,” I screamed, staring at the knife embedded up to the hilt. “I’m going to die!”

“I doubt it” she said coldly. “Remember Mike? I’m a sculptor, and I’ve studied human anatomy at art college. My guess is that the knife blade has penetrated your abdominal wall and is probably within an inch or so of an internal organ—probably lodged mostly in fatty tissue right now. I might have ruptured the liver. But if I’d punctured a lung you wouldn’t be able to breathe. Although I grant you, you might easily have serious internal bleeding.”

“Andrea,” I begged, “you’ve got your revenge. All this has gone too far. Please, can’t you just phone for an ambulance? I won’t say you did it—I’ll pretend I stabbed myself by mistake—or a mugger attacked me! Let me go, that’s all I ask!”

“Get up onto your knees.”



As I managed to crawl up onto my knees, hoping that the movement wouldn’t open up the wound too badly, I felt her pull my wrists behind my back and snap something across to fasten them against each other, probably a cable tie. Tough nylon. Impossible to break. I felt the plastic cut into my wrists.

The dagger was still lodged in my stomach, and out of the corner of my eye I could see blood welling up around the handle.

“Stand up,” she ordered.

I tottered to my feet and she unlocked the door of her studio and made me go inside, flicking on the switch so the whole area was bathed in brilliant fluorescent light.

I’d seen this room so many times: benches along the wall, with metal armatures on wooden bases, models of people’s heads and of animals in the lovely dark-coloured bronze metal, a pile of brown modelling clay, white plaster crusting over all the work surfaces. In the corner were the large oxygen and acetylene cylinders and her welding kit, and there were hammers and saws and screwdrivers and power tools on shelves. And everywhere there was the chalky, earthy smell of clay and chemicals that I’d always previously associated with our exciting, illicit sex.

“I’m going to do something I’ve always wanted to try,” Andrea told me. “I’m going to make a death mask.”

“W-What’s that?” I asked.

“They used to do it a lot for famous people in the old days. The moment someone died, the sculptor was sent for, and he immediately applied wet plaster to the dead person’s face to make a mould that was an exact replica of his features, so they could then use it to cast a precise facsimile of the dead person’s face, in plaster or metal. But I’ve heard it’s not always that successful, because soon after death the facial muscles relax—you have to do it within minutes. Wait too long and it doesn’t look like the person at all—more like a lifeless corpse.”

“Y-you’re going to kill me?” I asked, my voice quavering.

“Oh no, Mike, what do you take me for? Of course I’m not.” She touched the handle of the knife, tweaking it slightly, creating a sudden barrage of agonising pain. “I’m going to do it while you’re still alive.”

That was more than I could stand. With hands still tied behind my back, I ran towards the door. But she was ready.

It was easy for her to trip me up. And when I fell I couldn’t put my hands out to protect my face. And when I hit the floor, the knife handle hit the floor too, forcing the blade inside me even deeper.

I was sweating with fear. I’m not ashamed to say that I couldn’t stop my hysterical weeping.

That was when I realised that all those lies I’d invented about Andrea—that she was a psychopath, insane, a freak, well I hadn’t realised it when I’d said them, but I could see now that they were all true. And I hadn’t even realised it at the time.

Andrea knelt beside me on the floor and gave me a sip of water. I’d suddenly become dreadfully thirsty for some reason. I wondered if it had something to do with blood loss: a steady pool of blood was oozing down from where the knife was embedded in my stomach, and I had a feeling that the wound in my neck was bleeding badly too.

I caught a whiff of myself and nearly retched. Hot fresh urine, the coppery smell of blood and overall the hard salty-sweet stench of my sweat.

“Right, climb up here,” Andrea ordered, leading me across to the couch in the corner of the studio. “Don’t worry. Your punishment is nearly over. Only a matter of minutes really. When I’ve finished the mask, I’ll release you and call an ambulance. You haven’t lost that much blood, and I haven’t punctured any of your major organs. You’ll be okay.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked.

“Isn’t it obvious, Mike? You told me that your wife was a vile disgusting monster, and I overheard you telling her the same kind of things about me. That’s no way to behave, is it?”

Although I was crying and whimpering, I realised that she was telling me the truth. I simply had to put up with this final humiliation, whatever it was, and she’d let me go. Strangely enough, I didn’t think of Jackie, but of my children: Becky, aged ten, Jack, just seven, and little Ricky, the baby of the family, only two. They seemed to be the only thing that mattered in my life. How I longed to see them again.

So I climbed onto the couch, and laid flat on my back as Andrea told me to. I began to panic again as I saw her fastening large leather straps around my chest and legs, but there was nothing I could do to stop her. Besides, I had to cling on to the fact that she’d promised to let me go.

Then she smeared some kind of grease, like a kind of Vaseline, all over my face, telling me first to close my eyes. After that she went away, and I could see her adding white plaster powder to a small tub of water and mixing the plaster with her fingers.

“Now this is the tricky part,” Andrea said calmly as she returned. She produced two long cardboard drinking straws and then carefully inserted one end of each up each nostril of my nose. “You see I’m going to put wet plaster all over your face, so you won’t be able to breathe through your mouth,” she explained. “So you’ll have to breathe through your nose instead. Now don’t worry,” she went on. “Close your mouth and your eyes again.”

I’ve never been claustrophobic, but suddenly the very idea of what was about to happen hit home.

“My eyes? C-Close them?”

“Obviously!” She sounded mildly irritated. “For heaven’s sake, I’m going to put wet plaster all over your face—if it gets into your eyes you’ll be in agony and will probably go blind! Do you want that?”

I closed my mouth. I closed my eyes.

Then I felt the freezing cold wetness as she spread wet plaster onto my cheeks and over my closed mouth and also all around my nose and to surround the shafts of the straws. But the very worst part was when I felt the wet weight of the cold creamy paste on my closed eyelids.

The feeling was literally that of being buried alive.

I could hear, that was all. I couldn’t smell, I couldn’t taste anything. I couldn’t see. It was for all the world like being entombed in a coffin.

And then the most terrifying feeling of all.

I wanted to sneeze.

Eventually the urge subsided, but the awful craving yearning to suck in a huge lungful of air and sneeze it out, was so overwhelming that my chest burnt with agony. And with the urge to sneeze came another terrifying sensation.

Catarrh in my nose.

An hour before, my nose had been clear as a bell, but with my recent weeping, my nasal passages were beginning to block up.

I tried to raise my hands to tell her, but there were strapped behind my back.

I fought to break away from the straps holding me to the table.

I couldn’t.

I yearned to scream.

I couldn’t.

My heart was beating fast enough to burst. And in that moment I knew how it must feel to know that your end is inevitable. That moment when the medics tell your relatives in that blasé way they have that ‘the organs are shutting down’. And coupled with that terrible, terrible unearthly panic was the growing feeling of the heat of the wet plaster and the gradual sensation of tightening and increasing heaviness it had, pulling as it did against my skin.

“The plaster’s going hard now,” Andrea calmly explained. “That’s why it’s feeling hot, it’s the heat of the reaction. It’s already semi rigid now. Soon it’ll clamp tight around your face, and after that it’ll cool down. Don’t worry, not long to go now. When it’s rock hard I’ll pull it away from your face.”

She was going to release me?

Oh God, the joy of that thought!

I tried to cry fresh tears, but with my eyelids sealed shut and the plaster, that was getting heavier and heavier by the second, forcing them downwards, crying was impossible. Nor of course could I speak. My mind was a screaming blank void of panic. I yearned to have studied something like yoga.

I wanted to pray, but God help me, I don’t know any prayers, I’ve never bothered with church or religion. But in those seconds I believed in something, I prayed to some higher power to help me.

So I just said over and over again in my mind: “God help me, God help me, God help me.”

“There is just one thing,” Andrea said after she’d been silent for quite a while. “It’s quite interesting actually. As the plaster solidifies, it actually contracts.” She gave a nervous little laugh. “And I’m afraid that means that as it contracts around where the straw passes through it, the drying plaster sometimes tends to squeeze the soft card material of the straw.”

It was true. I had been able to breathe passably well, but on one side, the right, it was getting harder and harder to draw breath.

“Oh yes, I can see it’s happening,” Andrea said, giggling again to herself. “On the right-hand side, anyway. Looks as if it’s practically blocked. Oh well, the left-hand side one looks okay. At the moment anyway. You don’t want me to stop things now, do you Mike? The whole mask would be spoilt if I pulled it off now and I’m sure you can hang on for a few more moments until the plaster’s completely dry and I can release you.”

“Well, Mike,” she said after a few more seconds, which felt like hours. “I think you’ve suffered enough. I’ll take off the mask now, then I’ll set you free and I’ll call an ambulance.”

A massive wave of relief swept through me, coupled with the panic as I felt a noticeable decrease in the air going into my left nostril. I can’t describe the joyous relief as I felt her fingers prizing between my chin and the bottom of the mask.

Then suddenly those clawing fingers stopped moving. I couldn’t feel them against my skin anymore. Then I heard a crash and a gasping sound, as I pictured her falling to the ground.

“Oh God!” I heard her screaming. “My chest! C-Can’t breathe . . .”

For a few seconds I could hear her laboured breathing. That’s when I remembered her telling me about her heart attack of a year ago, how she’d been warned to avoid stressful situations, or she might have another one, possibly a fatal one the next time.

I heard the laboured ghastly straining sound of her breathing. Then a harsh rattling sound as her breathing suddenly came faster. My chest got tighter as I tried to breathe myself.

I fought for breath.

I fought and strained and struggled.

Until the darkness came.

* * *

I wrote this story, using my imagination to envisage the last hours of my poor dear friend Mike Edwards, who was found a week later in the studio of sculptor Andrea McGowan, who was dead on the floor beside the couch he was strapped onto, with a so-called ‘death mask’ on his face.

The inquest concluded that Mike’s death had occurred as a result of some kind of bizarre sexual fetish practice that had gone horribly wrong, when his ‘torturer’ died herself of a heart attack, and was unable to release him from the breath-restrictive mask.

That was the official verdict.

But we know different, don’t we?


Crossed Lines


“No, don’t worry, he doesn’t suspect a thing,” my wife Tracy said to the man. “We can meet up this weekend while the old sod is away on business. The boring old fart is so stupid he has absolutely no idea what I get up to.”

I gulped as I held the phone to my ear. I’d phoned my wife, but instead of getting through I’d got a crossed line, and was, apparently, listening in to her conversation with someone else.

“So I’m not your first boyfriend since you married him?” the man asked her.

“Not even my third!” She gave a hoot of laughter. “But the others definitely weren’t as sexy as you.”

“Do you really hate it when your husband comes near you?”

“Yuck, he makes my flesh crawl!” Tracy made a mock vomiting sound. “I was planning to divorce him one day but I reckon I need to stay married a bit longer, so I can be sure of skinning him in the courts for all he’s worth. But I decided I can’t wait around that long. Which is why I’ve decided to have him killed.”

“Shut up, Tracy, for God’s sake—”

“Why not?” My wife laughed again. “When the old bastard dies I get all his money, not just half of it. A neighbour I had in the flats is on the case already as it goes. He’s an ex-soldier, he knows what to do. Of his trolley he is, had a head injury, mad as a box of frogs. My poor old hubby won’t know where and he won’t know when…”

“Are you all right Mr Lassiter?” my secretary had asked me as I sat in dumb astonishment when the call had ended.

“Yes, fine, Sally. I think I’ll just go out for some air.”

“Right you are, sir. I’ll field any important calls.”

Outside on the roof balcony I took a lot of deep breaths, trying to suppress my tears, wondering what to do, thinking of my wife’s ominous words about my forthcoming murder: “He won’t know where and he won’t know when…”

I’m a hedge fund manager. What it means basically is that I invest on the stock exchange on behalf of my company and I’m very good at it, and consequently I’m tremendously rich. At fifty years old I have all the trappings of the good life: a huge stately home in the country, a town house in Chelsea and several lovely cars. I also own a block of flats that I let out to tenants, and a year ago I had met the girl who wanted to rent one of the flats on the top floor, and, after a whirlwind romance, we had got married. Tracy is quite a bit younger than me, but the age difference hadn’t seemed to matter, at least not to me. I had visited her many times at Flat 8A Tennison Court, fallen in love with her and married her six months ago, and she’d moved out of the flat and moved in with me. Tracy was a real ‘party girl’ and when I was with her, she made me feel alive and vibrant. I thought back to those passion-filled afternoons in the bedroom of 8A Tennison Court.

How had it all come down to this? Now the thought of Tracy made me feel like crawling under a stone.

How had I made such a fool of myself?

Standing there in the stunned silence as I looked out over the glass-and-steel skyline of Canary Wharf, I contemplated my wife’s lover, whom she’d been talking to on the phone. I pictured some young dark-haired Lothario, much taller than my five-foot six-inches, with a six-pack torso, film-star good looks, probably with black designer stubble, smouldering eyes and huge muscles. I looked at my reflection in the plate glass window beside me, and my flabby jowls and doleful eyes put me in mind of a good natured warthog. That’s when I thought of my mother’s words: “Not everyone is handsome, Harold. But the nicest people make the most of their personalities, and a nice personality is much more attractive than any pretty face.”

I like to think I’m not exactly heartless. I give thousands to various charities, and I’ve set up several food banks in deprived areas, and when any of my tenants get behind with their rent, I never allow the managing agent to take action against them. Okay, you’re saying that with all his money, he can afford to be generous. But I’m telling you this, because I don’t want you to think I’m a just a rich bastard who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else.

“Mr Lessiter?” I jumped as I heard the voice from behind me. I recognised the huge powerful frame of Arthur, one of my tenants at Tennison Court. A year ago I’d been very upset to learn that he’d had a head injury and had had psychiatric trouble ever since, and lost his job as a result. He hadn’t been able to pay any rent, but, as I’d chatted to him and liked him, I’d let him stay on rent free since that time. After all, I reckoned that having the accident wasn’t his fault, was it? So I felt I owed him some help. Now I remembered something about him being ex-special forces, SAS I believe, one of those so called ‘trained killers’. I’d also heard that his head injury had made him dangerous and violent, prone to mood swings where he got into fights.

Trained killer? Oh my God! I remembered Tracy’s words: “My neighbour when I lived in the flats is gonna do it. He’s an ex-soldier, mad as a box of frogs, he’ll know what to do.”

“Hello Arthur,” I said in surprise, my voice trembling. “How on earth did you get past security?”

“Old soldier, I know lots of tricks,” he told me, tapping his nose and meeting my gaze head on. As I looked at his face, with a sinking heart, I remembered that he’d been friendly with Tracy. Then I realised the hopelessness of my situation: my assassin was much bigger and stronger than I was.

“Mr Lessiter, I just reckoned I should let you know, that your wife offered me money in return for me killing you.”

As he stepped closer I gulped, wondering if I’d be able to overcome him. Over the balcony was a huge drop, and he’d have little difficulty throwing me over.

“I pretended to agree, because if I hadn’t, the evil cow would only have gone to someone else to do it,” he went on. “But I solved your little problem, same way as you solved mine, when you listened to my problems and let me off paying any rent. You’ll never know how much you helped me by doing that.” He looked at his watch. “I threw her off the roof of Tennison Court about an hour ago. Hope you’ll agree I did the right thing.”